Shwetpatra: A lost one

“ Time’s up,” the exam controller shouted and started collecting our examination sheets and soon after submitting our papers, we were out of the examination centre. Hundreds of students were in that crowd with eveyone's respective fear in the mind which could be seen on only a few faces. The whole scenario was looking like metaphor of full stop to everyone’s best times of their life. The last day of exam was full of faces that were sad, happy or a hunger of achieving more and more in future.

                    

Even then, no one knew that it was going to be the actual full stop to their friendship, masti and love-hate relationships. Most of my friends were discussing how their paper was but I was forcing my best friend to come along with me to see my girl. Soon after few minutes of an unintentional luka-chhipi in the crowd, I saw her buying the same orange ice-cream at the ice-cream counter with her friends. I didn't notice when did I lose my friend's finger in that crowd.

Yes, we used to hold our fingers while walking which i still want to hold, bas Kisi ka haath hi nahi hai mere paas, ya phir umr badh chuki hai.

I saw her. She saw me. Our eyes met for the one last time and before i could have thought of going to her, she left and sat inside the school bus. I remained standing there with my lost hope of meeting her again and holding exam pad in my hand.

As per all of you, who believe in God know one thing that EVERYTHING IS MEANT TO BE.
And i agree with you in my case. I won't let this blog in ranting about God doesn't exist. This is the story of me and my girl, Shweta.

Shweta, roll no. 20, the prettiest girl in the class for me with her two plaits hairstyle along with white ribbons in those plaits. How can i forget her curly hairs?

         That’s how i used to see her physically. Although, she was not the most fair girl in the class. That’s how we used to think that time as most of us were obsessed with fair girls. FAIR MEANS BEAUTIFUL.

         And, the girl who had the most fair skin in the class, we used to call her 'Videshi' among us. Kaafi gora matlab videshi. We even paired her with the most fair boy from boys side, and our class rarely had the fair boys and we used to taunt both of them. That’s how we grew up.

                

For me, my girl was the prettiest with whom I could have thought of having a relationship that time. A relationship of sharing lunch and exchanging water. That was enough for my happiness.

 But the biggest problem for me at that time was to not letting anyone know that I was liking her.

From looking at her during the prayer to saying eye-ish goodbye in the last period, I was giving a very hard time to myself in that one sided childish relationship.

Whenever the attendance would start, after my turn (roll no. 2 or 4, whatever), I used to wait for the class teacher to shout Roll no. 20. She would stand up and I would hear an ‘ Yes Sir’ and I would turn my head to see a brief look of her face and then the next job was to notice,” Has anyone seen me or not?”

And, after turning the head backward, i used to hear the same childish conversation everyday. Yes, we were children(literally) till tenth standard. Only a few had grown up mentally. And just like this planet earth, my class too had the diversity but in the topics of conversations. Those were: Sports(mostly), DID performances and Sapne Suhaane ladakpan ke in boys & girls respectively and sex(least). Even the hobbies other than sports were max to max setting up male and female teachers and finding the best pair to start new rumours.   

Relationship wise, we all were fisaddi in approaching girls those days. Some of us still have that problem.

Although, Shweta was not the girl whom everyone used to like. The majority of boys had given their heart to someone else who was famous in the school for her singing. In the prayer time, everyone eyes used to close their eyes but in the middle of that, they used to open their eyes and used to look at her and then closing the eyes again without getting noticed by others was the last step. If by any chance, their eyes would meet, his whole day would pass with a smile until Ajay sir, the maths teacher would destroy him with the sticks. She was also the reason for high attendance record. Very few could get out of the charm she carried those days and and i still don't know why. I was not an exception too but not up to the extent of liking her.

I already had Shweta in my mind. I mean, i was too pure towards her. I was a pure kid with short hairs (forced by parents) building my introvert nature to look civilized. It was Sone Pe Suhaga for parents if the child was both good in studies and Susheel (fucking introvert.) These nurturing quality was for show off purpose for other parents.

But as it is said, destiny decides everything, who knew an introvert like me would write kisses on the blank pages.

Khair, for me, the boy with extremely short hairs, they used to call this unwanted hair cut as Lalu cut. You can google him to see his haircut. I know you will laugh too after daring to google it.

That's the path of life through which I was going through those days. 

Hot photos to hot stories to Aashiq Banaya Aapne to hot pics of Bollywood actress. This is how every child gains his harmonal growth in North India. Even, teachers were not ready to teach chapters related to sex education those days. It is sad but true.That's it. It's not like nowadays where.....khair...leave it. No more preaching.

But, in between those chaotic days, I did not let my mildly impure eyesight fall on her. She was still the purest crystal for me. The best thing for me was that she used to sit with the same girl who used to sing well.

And this was best for me because I had gotten a freedom to watch her without being or looking like a creep. Because, it was only me who knew that I was looking at her. Other students used to think that I used to stare the singer one, which was fine for me. Isme galat kya tha, sab dekh rahe hote the use.

That long period of  'going washroom after her and returning back to the class with a smile and losing that smile in the last' had poured me into class 9th and into little confident zone to share my feelings to her. Somehow, my friend, my senior friend assured me to help me in approaching her to convey those untold feelings without getting slapped but it was getting delayed day by day because of me. I was too scared. The possible reason might be because i had stopped watching Mithun chakraborty's movies. Yes, Devdas had taken its place.

One fine day, just after I entered into the class( late and gasping, as usual), The whole class started to go out in happiness uttering chutti Ho Gayi....chhuti ho gayi. Being happy first, I enquired one of them the reason of sudden dismissal of the class. Someone behind me replied, " Kisi ki death ho gayi hai."

Kiska, I asked.

"Pata Nahi Kisi Ladki Ka," came the sound.

I turned towards the girls and scanned them to find Shweta but couldn't find her. Everyone had tears in her eyes. Before I could ask anyone further, my friend came and informed "Shweta ki badi behan ka death ho gaya hai, aaj school band." Before I could have gone numb, i glanced in the girls crowd  but she was not there. I could hear the sound of my saliva getting inside my mouth.
After coming out of the school campus, I requested my friend saying, " Chal na! Chalte hain na uske ghar, dekhte hain kya ho raha hai."

Before I could have requested more, he agreed to come with me. We went to her her house and waited at few distance from house to observe what was going on but we failed to know anything and didn't see her or her brother in that crowd. I returned home thinking whatever i could have thought that time. I was dying to see her face and had to wait for the next day like an injured butterfly finding for shelter. 

Although, I got to see her after that but soon after few days of that incident, i could feel the grief on her face which used to be most of the time smiling before and i knew that the whole incident had hurt her very badly and it had hurt me also, in the indirect way. Me having an elder sister could imagine, how hard it was for her or how hard it could be for me.

What i have observed that Umr badhte badhte maa ka aadha hissa behan ban chuki hoti hai. But we hardly express these emotions to her. 

After that incident, i tried every possible way to see her happy but she failed to smile and me too. I also tried to talk to her brother but couldn't find something. 
Days were passing like a cold breeze in the winter. The classes were seeming too slow like a dome of boredom.

And, gradually I don't know how I started feeling that the string between us had been broken from my side. We, unintentionally started move on different path. Me on the left side and she was drowning in the extreme right. I guess, i moved too fast.

But somehow during the pre-board exams, my feelings were back on the track for same girl with the same curly hairs and with more intensity of attraction. After each day of exam, I started to accompany her to her house with my friends as both the girls and the boys had been going to their home by walking rather than by bus. I think we all were getting a hint of getting separated and I was also one of them who was having the fear of losing my moon while counting the stars. After pre board exams, i thought of getting back to her and decided that i would tell everything which i was feeling for her. 

Lekin, uske pehle main Sambhal Pata, the pressure of board exams did not let me even think quietly about her. The focus shifted somewhere else but finally after the last day of exams I was seeing her for the one last time. Aakhiri Baar. I just hate anything which has an ending or an expiry date and this is also the reason why I hate dying.

 Everything aside, me being a sensible person today, I don't really miss her but whenever I visit my hometown or light me up a cigarette, I breathe in and see her going away like the cold smoke which leaves me like the burning cigarette in a dim hope of getting back together. 

If I really know her or if I really liked her or if I really loved her, as a kid, I would miss her for the longest time of my life. I will miss her pretty face, curly hairs, those white ribbons in those hairs, throwing chalk at her(which she never saw) but what I will miss the most will always be her lost smile and not looking back at me which I missed even then after that incident.

I hardly have anything to say but the kid in me has something substantial for you. He still thinks about you and believe me or not, that kid is still sitting on the last bench telling you," I didn't deserve a goodbye." He won't throw any chalk at you this time.
 Despite getting trapped in the black sky of life, he is brightly hoping and saying," Phir milenge kabhi koi shaant bheed mein."